It's All A Long, Beautiful, Scary Road Trip

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 16:34:53 GMT

Remember when there used to be this social media platform called livejournal? I come back sometimes, just to wander the ruins and think about the olden days.

Remember? We used to write more than 140-->560 characters.

Ah the good old days.

Or something like that.

Queer Memoir: PHILLY! (GROWING UP...)

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 06:08:00 GMT

Haven't heard about Queer Memoir? Read all about what happened in our very first year, check out what an audience member had to say about a recent event, and then RSVP on facebook to our upcoming Philly or NYC events.

NERD OFFFFFFFFFFF (and oh yeah, jealousy)

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:40:31 GMT

Lately I've been getting jealous of other comics who started about the same time I did. One person in particular probably began performing about six months before me. I did a show with her in the Bay Area in 2004. She'll be appearing on a Showtime special in March. As you may have noticed, I will not be appearing in a Showtime special in March.

She might possibly be more talented than I am, but I doubt she is working any harder. Of course, she did grow her hair long, start wearing make-up and develop an act that is basically a series of "jokes" about how much she hates her body. Brilliant and groundbreaking material there! She also started wearing one of those 80s silky blouses with one of those floppy bows at the top. Seriously, that's what she's wearing in her promo pic. Which just means bad 80s fashion sells better than queer realness. Surprise surprise. Although she does seriously look more like a butch dyke in that get up than she did back in the day.

Anyway the point of this is not to complain (after all, isn't that what the OTHER social networking platform is for? They should call it Whinebook) but as an intro to some things I feel really good about: the events I am helping make happen, doing comedy/performing/sharing a different way.

Of course, I am loving where Queer Memoir is going, and Juxtaposition seems to be taking off as well. But today I just have to say that the crowd at NERD LOVE totally won my heart. It really was an event for nerds by nerds. And not just "oh ha ha I was such a nerd in high school but I was still homecoming queen" nerds. Hard core nerds, like a woman who got up and did an erotic reading from her education theory blog. Or another who read a love poem in some kind of science fiction language to his girlfriend (this was a straight guy unaffiliated with the queer community. He brought his girfriend to the queer nerd off as a Valentine's Day surprise. She was indeed surprised) . Or someone else who came to the mic to share one minute of her knowledge on how to conquer standardized exams.

Cheryl and I decided we are definitely going to produce some more nerd events. Maybe a Nerd Ball? A Nerd Prom? A Nerd Circus? We haven't quite figured it out yet, but we started a facebook page (of course) and if you want to see some funny nerds in action, check out the photos Syd London took, they are up on the Time Out NY website.

Queer Memoir: PHILLY! (GROWING UP...)

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:40:22 GMT

My Gender Identity: Let's Play Along!

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 00:21:01 GMT

So, I love me some Mad Libs. Back in the olden days when I used to co-edit a zine called Gayety (it used to be a zine with a release party. Then we realized the zine was more work than the release party and also lost a lot of money. So it became a release party without a zine, aka a show. Anyway) we always included at least one Queer Lib. We even used to do Queer Libs from stage and, for a while, Queer Libs were a big feature on my very web 1.0 site

So when I found a site to make Mad Libs the other day, I couldn’t resist creating one called My Gender Identity.

To create a My Gender Identity letter, go here

You’ll get a page that says “Free Mad Lib Generator”

Then you scroll down, you’ll see My Gender Identity and then click on it. Then when the link opens, you scroll down a bit you’ll see a list of types of speech with fillable boxes to the right (sorry for no direct link they are doing it with javascript).

Make yourself a Mad Lib and if it’s funny, email it to me and I’ll make it into a postcard and share it here. Tell me if I can use your real name and if you have any bio info etc or a link to your own work you want to share. Don’t be shy, you’re queer, we’re all events promoters. Except for the film-makers .

Here’s what me and My Beautiful Girlfriend, Cheryl B did:

I realize some folks still only check here...

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 13:29:53 GMT

And I am really proud of this little graphic I made in Celebration of the December Blizzard of 2010.

But I for real, at some point I am only going to post at my blog and I will stop posting here. Maybe. Someday.

Oh what am I saying. I still have a profile on friendster.

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 03:58:42 GMT

Me, performing for str8folk

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 03:57:00 GMT

Something I don't do much: perform at a regular ol' comedy club, for str8people. With significant mention of the strangeness of my past life and resulting facebook feed, and lots of gender teaching, which must have gone okay because they laughed. Mostly.

Filmed in December 2010 at the New York Comedy Club, courtesy of SuperEGOTV

Funny. Scary. Weird Family Stories

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 22:38:57 GMT

In honor of Saturday's Queer Memoir Family I am sharing some weird funny scary family stories. I made one into a cartoon, it's on my blog. I am pretty sure this story is all three.

Okay seriously it is no longer 2005

Sat, 27 Nov 2010 04:37:51 GMT

So I need to move my blog from here. I will still be posting highly filtered stuff (really don't trust facebook for that) but my real blog just has to be on my website. And I am giving it a name, because it seems like it's not really a blog unless it has a name. I've decided on:

My first posts are going to be all family themed in honor of Queer Memoir: Family happening next week. My first one is called 7 Ways to Help Your Family of Choice Survive Your Family of Choice, Now With 30 More Sarcasm Because I Am Angrier This Year.

Also I am microblogging over at List My Five, which is a ridiculous although fun little website.

So far my lists consist of:

The Top Five Most Embarrassing Moments in Gender Confusion

The Top Five Ways Carnivores Can Avoid Vegetarians

I didn't get up this morning...

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:14:42 GMT

with the idea of making Diet Mountain Dew Jello Salad. But yet, somehow I did.

Look at that beautiful color~ who SAYS diet mountain dew is not a color found in nature?

It's the same exact color! Also, diet mountain dew is made up of 95% water. What's more natural than that?

In the Queer Study hall refrigerator, surrounded by the rest of all the all natural items.

Not to worry, I won't be the one cooking for the Bad Habit Brunch.

Found Humor, Public Transit Style

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 23:43:29 GMT

Presenting... in the Passive Aggressive Notes, MTA category

Changed venue but super awesome show!

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 23:37:25 GMT

In honor of Poly Pride

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 19:46:12 GMT

coming up this weekend., I am reading about Dolly Parton's open marriage. I love that this article goes back and forth between calling it "infidelity" and "open marriage." Nothing like using using antonyms as synonyms to create a nice little slice of confusion.

Anyone else coming to Poly Pride? If the weather turns, it's going to be great fun. If it continues with this nastiness, I am going to be Grumpy and Sneezy and perhaps several other dwarfs.

I'll be emceeing from Noon until 6 pm. They have a pretty good entertainment line-up, looks like. Plus, hummus! And home-made jams! And (undoubtedly) plenty of socially awkward conversations and chats about Star Trek to go around!*

*last year they actually booed me when I referenced science fiction and poly in the same sentence. Everyone booed me, even a dude wearing Vulcan ears. It was apparently Irony Pride and no one told me!

Butch Voices NYC

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 03:54:28 GMT

Was amazing and the feedback we are getting is really amazing. I didn't ever intend to be leading up the efforts (I am trying not to use the term" conference chair") but Joe asked me when I was in Haiti and, well, after you've tried to explain to a kid that no, his amputated leg is not going to grow back, so sorry, that really sucks...well I guess answering "yes" to a text message that says "are you definitely in for chairing the NY conference" seemed pretty easy.

The truth is, I have never worked with such an incredibly hard working, not wanting to chat about stuff, just wanting to get stuff done folks in my life. They are totally all heroes as far as I am concerned. We built a really diverse team and it showed in who attended. One person wrote on our facebook page "if every day of my life were like September 25th, I would have such an easier time.." So many people have used the words "life changing." The core organizers were really touched too. I was hoping it would be like this, since this amazing feeling of wholeness that I experienced at Butch Voices National in Oakland last year was one of the reasons I wanted to get involved with regional organizing. I wanted other butches/masculine of center folks to experience what I had. And how about that, it worked.

Makes all the work worth it. Totally worth it.

Some great pictures (ignore the copy, it was unfortunately heavily edited) by Syd London up here.

I was about to post

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 15:42:18 GMT

...about this piece of computer software I want to develop that will block my girlfriend's browser from showing anything with the words "unemployment rate" or "recession" in it, and instead substitute pictures of kittens playing.

And also blocks streaming NPR before 8 am and after 10 pm.

But then I realized my last four livejournal posts have been about the earthquake in Haiti.

Oops.

It starts out sideways

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 15:38:36 GMT

But worth watching anyway!

So Whitney, when she first came to the states, kept asking me why I didn't wear skirts. So I told her when was able to walk, I'd wear a skirt AND do a dance for her (it was at a time when they were having trouble getting her out of bed for therapy, etc). So I did, and she recorded it. Music by Genne Murphy, commentary by Maura Kelly.

I am only leaving this up for a few days, so enjoy my humiliation while you can....

Hope

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 15:08:29 GMT

The pediatrician at the field hospital (aka a porch turned into an inpatient clinic)where I worked in Haiti recently posted this video. The kid with the cast...you simply would not believe what he has been through. Here he is, jumping around as part of their "let's trick kids into doing physical therapy" strategy. I can't help but giggle when he does.

Post earthquake Haiti there was a lot of talk of Lespa fe viv [hope makes life] and lately I've been thinking about the concept of choosing hope. I don't mean hope like wish or some wimpy thing in greeting cards. I mean hard-assed, real live, hard worked for hope. Watching completely traumatized kids be kids (if even for a moment) again, reminds me that wallowing in sadness/anger about the state of the world or even the state of our sometimes fractured community isn't actually changing anything. I'm asking myself: if I thought of hope as a verb, what would that look like?

A day in the life...

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 00:37:36 GMT

Yesterday I was at the library working and overheard the older gentleman sitting across from me speaking Kreyol on the phone. When he asked me a question about the availability of electrical outlets, I answered in Kreyol. To his considerable surprise.

We ended up talking about (what else) the earthquake. I asked if he wanted to see my pictures. He did want to see them, very much.

We spent an hour talking and sharing while we went through my photos. It was intense but good, for both of us.

I don't think the other patrons were as excited about our connection as we were. Although we whispered and we were not in a designated quiet zone. No one really shushed us though. In fact, someone just to our left had been stealing a glance or two every now and then and when someone tried to shush us, he shushed them.

Sometimes, weary of queer infighting, I want to say "you know, 300,000 people died in an earthquake in Haiti. There are still a million and half homeless and in danger. Is there really truly not any better way we could spend our energy?"

Pictures from the Famous Lesbian Comedy Roadshow, Boston Edition

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 16:01:35 GMT

Doesn't that make you want to come to Philly show?

PS If you've never seen five lesbians take off (at least some) clothes to the Harry Potter theme music then you've never seen DORKTEASE. And you want to. It's so unsexy it's almost sexy. Almost.

42 Great Laughs in 42 Years

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 21:53:28 GMT

I had this bright idea of posting"42 great things about being 42" but then I realized that kind of implies I have learned 42 different lessons when in fact I feel like I keep re-learning the same one over and over ("don't be so F***ing afraid, a***ole!" ), which is to say, not learning it all.

But even if I haven't actually learned anything in 42 years, at least I've laughed a lot. I tried to put together 42 of the most hilarious situations I've been in..or at at least the situations which caused me to double over in laughter..

Not sure I have quite that number, but it's rather surprising that fully 1/3 of the situations involve body fluids and most walk the thin line between comedy and tragedy.

Or maybe, people who know and love me won't be surprised by that at all.

Please note: Exclusion of some very funny situations that, for example, you and I have been in together does not imply these were not hilarious or valuable. Some of the funniest situations are not included here because of privacy concerns...

FROM THE WISCONSIN YEARS

The summer between 7th and 8th grade: me and my good pal, Laura Stewart, decided it would be a good idea to bundle up in our winter clothes and walk up and down Main Street in Hartford Wisconsin...during an August heat wave. When I showed up at Laura's house in my parka, carrying a pair of skis, her mother said simply “Chilly today Kelli, isn't it?” and let me in. Sarcasm seemed like such...adult...humor to me. I loved being let in on the grown-up laugh.

The summer between 6th and 7th grade: I went swimming with friends in this pond that had these strange weeds that were hard and scratchy in cold water and soft out of the water. I proposed that we start a business selling them as sponge alternatives for dish cleaning. My friends at once realized this was a ludicrous plan and started laughing immediately. It took me a few moments, but eventually I joined in as well.

7th grade. My dad had developed a strain of white kidney bean that weren't grown much in the area of Wisconsin where we lived. I proposed that I start a business selling them. I even had the company name and motto: Beans Aren't Mean Inc. (Our Beans Aren't Mean and Our Prices Aren't Either). As the white kidney beans were known, in fact, for causing gaseous intestinal distress, they were quite mean. My dad at once realized this was a ludicrous plan and started laughing immediately. It took me a few moments, but eventually I joined in as well.

The summer between 8th and 9th grade: I convinced my good pal Holly Dean that we should put our Newfoundland's doghouse in the tree because we would then have a ready-made tree house. After three hours of carrying the dog house through the cow pasture, over electric fences, and into the woods, we realized that hoisting a large dog house into a tree was well beyond our capabilities. Holly quickly realized this was a ludicrous plan and started laughing immediately. It took me a few moments, but eventually I joined in as well.

Hmmm seems to be a pattern here...

MID AMERICA BIBLE COLLEGE YEARS

I worked summers at a camp for kids with severe developmental disabilities, some of whom had really difficult behaviors from being institutionalized. Including feces smearing. I will never forget one of the young counselors, frustrated with a camper, who came to me in tears “I'm afraid I'm going to go back down to the cabin and she's going to have written 'I hate Carol' in poo on the walls.”

My gay friend Brian and I disappeared for a short time from a group outing to downtown Oklahoma city then later convinced everyone that we were getting engaged. Neither one of us were out at the time. Um, officially.

My gay friend Robert and I spend virtually every waking moment together. He wore yellow pants, I wore my (male) volleyball coach's white briefs (long story). Neither one of us were out at the time. Um, officially.

HAITI YEARS

I continually made language mistakes: I meant to tell the kids to listen (koute) but instead I told them to spit (krache). They obliged.

I meant to tell the kids that the headmistress of the school was crabby because she was old (ancient) instead I told them she was crabby because she was pregnant. (ansient). Those words should really not be so close in pronunciation.

Downtown for a MardiGras/Carnaval celebration, I jumped over the fence in front of the National Palais and ripped my pants length jams (c'mon it was the late 80s), in front of the packed streets and about a million people. Years later I was standing on a Miami street corner and a middle aged Haitian man asked me “are you that white person who tore their pants at the National Palais during Carnaval” Yes, yes I am.

NUN YEARS

In order to “please Jesus with our personal sacrifice” the custom of our community was to use poured water from a yogurt cup for personal cleaning instead of using toilet paper. When one of my fellow aspirants was in the stall next to me, I started edging the bucket that contained the water and yogurt cup away from her, whispering “today we are pleasing Jesus with our sacrifice by not even using the bucket.” She punched me later.

There is something about being a nun in training that makes you have to fart in the chapel. After one particularly silent and deadly type situation, our aspirant mistress sighed loudly and stomped to the chapel window which she opened nosily.

The above chapel situation sent all the aspirants into such giggling fits that one of us actually peed a bit on the chapel floor.

When one of my fellow aspirants chose to leave, I started making a little speech to her about how much I'd learned from her, how much I valued her spiritual example etc. She thought for a minute “and Sister Mercy from you I've learned how to squeeze my buttcheeks so the fart doesn't sound so loud in the chapel.” It was true, I had taught her that.

We washed all our clothes by hand using only ivory soap. I could never get the crotch of my underwear clean enough to please my mistress, so I just started chopping out the grayed bits and sewing the leftover underwear together. I thought this was a brilliant solution. My mistress did not,

We were told to move in haste (like Mary going to Judea, don't you know ) and yet maintain “proper religious decorum” There were a lot of nuns living in a small space and once, while rushing down the stairs “in haste” I skipped the last step and came down on the foot of the very diminutive (and successor to Mother Theresa as head nun) Sister Nirmala. I apologized profusely but she shrugged “it's only a foot. It's not as if you trod on my head.”

PHILLY YEARS

This.

My best friend Maura and I attended the 1990 March on Washington. It seemed like many folks had never been to a protest before. Ever. During an impassioned speech from the mother of a deceased hate crime victim, the crowd booed when his death was mentioned. Maura sighed “oh good grief, of course we're against hate crimes. Doesn't that go without saying?” When a representative from the Jewish Anti Defamation League got up to speak, we could feel the crowd gearing up. “If these people boo the Holocaust...” I said. Maura continued “yeah, we;re out of here.” To this day we use the term “booing the Holocaust” as shorthand for political simplemindeness.

Speaking of my best friend Maura, we've been calling each other nothing but Poopyhead (or it's abbreviation “PH) for over a decade. We find this practice very amusing, even (or perhaps especially) when the people around us do not.

PDX YEARS

Ah what can say about laughing in the Heather Years?

Well there's

The grocery store story.

And um Merry Damn Christmas

And what happened at the grocery store (part 2)

NYC YEARS

The Great Atlanta Pride Mistaken Sex Experience of 2008. Um, don't think I should put this in writing, so you'll have to just see this in my act.

The Great B Train Body Fluid Debacle of 2010. Um yeah, ditto.

I was recently demonstrating to my friend Whitney (a double amputee thanks to the Haiti earthquake) my ability to blow air out my eyes. She recoiled and then put her arm around me “you know, if I had feet, I'd run away right now.”

Save the date, with really special surprises!

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 20:46:04 GMT

It's hot, we're going to have hot comedy in a cool place

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:14:43 GMT

Obviously, this is where YOU should be tonight.

In my humble opinion.

A little video to help out of those difficult bathroom situations....

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 18:35:45 GMT

Re watching the Celebration of Nerd-dom Video

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 04:26:31 GMT

And really feeling love. These are two of my nephews. The entrance of the second nephew was totally spontaneous.